Looking back over the years, he was always there for me
by bengirl
Summary: Written for the 2016 Ponderosa Paddlewheel Poker Tournament Summary: There comes a time when a man looks into the mirror of his own life. What does he find? Memories of hard times, memories of his childhood, little moments full of fun and mischievous. And as a man there are challenges which had to be faced with courage. Warning: character death


Looking back over the years, he was always there for me

1830 … I was a small baby , wrapped in a blue blanket, falling peacefully asleep , as each one of the following words flew up through the air to land gently upon me.

«It was your mother who gave you life, she loved you soooooooooo much, son». The words were whispered in my ears, softly, tenderly ».

" Now, son, it's bedtime."

I heard Dad's voice and I was given a kiss on the top of my head. Dad had washed me, I had enjoyed being in the warm water. But the first time Dad had washed me, I had expressed my discontent with loud screams. Dad had sat me in the big bathtub and I had splashed with my little hands and had giggled madly. And now I was in his arms, his pleasant face so close to mine, his mimics were making me smile, and I was making him smile. I grabbed his lips, and touched his cheeks and he grimaced and / asked me « What are you doing, son ?», in such a funny way that it made me giggle. I put my tiny fingers in his mouth, he kissed my fingers and that made me gurgle with delight.

*******************I was crying. I was shrieking with displeasure for the whole world to hear. While I was crying, a breeze suddenly whifted into the room and as I turned my head towards the door I saw that my Dad was coming towards me. /I knew that it was my Dad because I could recognize his scent anywhere. As my Dad was trying to work out what was wrong with me and why I was crying, I was trying to tell him that my diaper was wet and that I needed changing. Like all grown ups he didn't seem to understand what I was trying to tell him and within minutes he picked me up , placed me on his shoulder, began rubbing my back with one hand.

« Shhh, Adam, everything will be fine. Dad is here », he whispered to me, trying to comfort me. But I continued to cry even louder and then he got it.

« Oh, what do we have here ? A wet bottom ? »

*************** Each time I had something nasty in my diaper, Dad was there to clean it. But the first time he had held his breath and he had called for help. And I had screamed and wiggled to get away. Dad had tried to hold one of my legs, and then the other, but nothing had seemed to work. Finally, my two legs had been held rather tightly, and my bottom had been wiped clean. But as I had heard different voices around me, I supposed my Dad had learned the technique from somebody else.

*******in the morning.

"Shhhhh… It's okay…" I heard Dad's voice murmuring, gently rubbing me. "Come on… it's going to be fine. Daddy's here for you, son. Everything's gonna be alright. I saw Dad raising his hand and brushing the tears away from my eyes.

« Dad's gonna to feed you, otherwise you're going to bring the sky down, son ».

And Dad gave me a baby bottle full of milk and I started suckling strongly. I was soooooooooo hungry.

I was called Adam, I was five months old , and I used to spend most of my time in my cradle or in my Dad's arms or in the arms of two other different people, who I only knew because of their odor and their voice. One was called Grandpa, and the other was a Miss somebody. I knew their voices, theirs were different from Dad's voice , and their hands were different from Dad's hands, because of Dad's special way of speaking to me, of holding me. Dad had a special odor which I was able to recognize.

Even though we lived in the same house, both me and my Dad had different rooms, my Dad's room was close to the nursery, but I didn't know exactly what my Dad was doing when he left me on my own, mostly grown up stuff I thought.

*****************My dad had one _shirt, I often grabbed it with my tiny fingers. Each time he picked me up and held me against his chest, I liked the contact of it. Once, as he was holding me in his arms , I had even sucked at his skin, as he hadn't been wearing any shirt. I had rubbed my lips against his skin, it had comforted me. At that moment, I had heard Dad, telling me it was dark and he had called it « the night ». So I gradually learned the difference between night and day._ Compared to me he was a big man, well my Dad was bigger than me because I was smaller than him and to me he was a giant even though he wasn't really. My Dad's eyes were full of love and mine were full of mischief, that was what I had heard him telling me. I heard him telling another face nearby, that I would become a charmer later in life.

**********Daddy bent over and gathered me in his arms and I reached out my tiny hand to touch his cheek. I was being held against his shoulder, my heartbeat could be felt against his strong body. I was at that moment cradled in my Dad's arms , I was so tiny, had ten little fingers and ten little toes, « You're going to end up with a full head of hair », that was what I was told by Dad.

"Such a sweet little angel, aren't you?" I heard him whisper. "You look just like your Mummy."

I could feel his hand rubbing my back , it was calming me.

"Daddy loves you so much, do you know that ? I know you're gonna grow up and you're gonna be so strong and so brave , but I promise that I will always be there for you when you need me. And I'll always keep you safe and make sure you're happy « .

And then, a few seconds later, I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.

****************1835. Dad looked out the window. The rain had finally stopped, revealing a beautiful rainbow in the sky. Dad always told me that the heavens were shining down upon us in each moment of our life. I was lifted up and Dad took me out of the ranch.

« Pa, I'm a big boy now, I can walk « , I protested. I didn't want to be held anymore. I was five now and I didn't want to be treated like a baby. It made my Pa smile.

« Yes, you are, son, you're a big boy, you're my big boy, and you're Mama's treasure ».

My Pa had so often told me about my Mom who was now at the other end of the rainbow, explaining to me that a rainbow was a kind of bridge between heaven and earth.

****************My Pa was busy teaching me how to build a bed. There was a lot of work that needed to be done around the ranch in which Pa had found a job. My Pa could use my extra pair of hands and he had told me, it would be a good learning experience for me. I held up the pieces of wood while my Pa nailed them into place. First he had started to chop the timber that was needed to make a bed for me in the bunkhouse, as Mr Random had accepted my presence around my Pa. Close to the bunkhouse, my Pa would add a small room. Building the new section in the house led to one particular mishap as my Pa dropped a beam of wood on my foot.

"I'm sorry, Son," my Pa placed a kiss on my cheek. "If only I could do something to make you feel better."

"Make it rain today, and I'll forgive you.", I added, while rubbing my foot. No bones were broken as my Pa had asked me to put some special protection in my shoes. If I hadn't had that , my foot might have been broken.

"Ah, that one's hard to do. Seems like I'll never be forgiven then," my Pa said looking preoccupied.

« I really did want to have rain, because when the rain stops, a rainbow appears, and when I see a rainbow, it seems to me, Ma is smiling at me ».

I saw my Pa grinning and he tousled my hair, telling me, it was a very lovely message. And he said to me :  
"Memories and dreams are precious things, Adam. They're always there when you need them most."

My Pa knelt down before me, taking my hands and smiling tenderly. I threw my arms around his neck. My Pa held me close. I felt so good.

********************Within a few short days the small extension to the bunkhouse was completed. It wasn't a large room, but there was room enough for two beds. I was carried and gently placed in my new bed. My Pa pulled the covers up over me and kissed me on my forehead.

"Good night, son."

*************While my Pa had hard work to do, I had some chores to be done, chores were just a part of life, a part of helping my Pa and of making my contribution. I happily did my regular chores, and my Pa rarely had to force me, simply because I knew I didn't get to do anything fun until my chores were done. I also carried the responsibility of the lives and well being of the animals. I had to **milk, feed and give water to the goats each morning, then I was also responsible for keeping our room clean. In the evening I would gather the eggs. On the weekends I gave the dog a bath although I didn't count this as a chore, I loved playing in the water.** I was proud to help and I did my best to please my Pa and Mr Random.

Oh gosh, my first attempts at collecting the eggs had been terrible. The first day I had broken the eggs, the hens had frightened me and I had dropped the basket. My Pa had saved me and had dried my tears. Mr Random hadn't scolded me, and my Pa had told me , we could thank him for being so kind to us. Some bosses could be so mean and fire men for minor offenses. "Egg money" helped some families survive, so taking care of chickens was an important chore. My Pa had told me, chickens were very useful to humans. Chickens could be kept as pets, for breeding, for egg laying and of course could be eaten too.

***************On that particular day, I was seeding plants and / had to water the garden, when I saw an unexpected show. The rooster had left the _chicken_ coop and was exploring new horizons. I stopped digging and looked at the bird. What should I do ? Bring it back to the coop ? My Pa had told me, lots of animals as well could eat chickens . The chickens' predators included owls, raccoons, hawks, snakes, opossums and foxes. The rooster came close to the steps where the cat was drinking its milk. First the cat paid no attention to the visitor, and the audacious rooster ventured towards the bowl. I burst into laughter as the cat raised its paw and slapped the rooster around its head. The rooster gave up and went back to pecking the ground. I managed to catch it and bring it back into the chicken coop.

**************the day after.

"What are you looking at, boy?" I was asked while my Pa was repairing the fence.

«Look Pa, look, what is it ? » I asked, pointing at the small animal / running towards the tree.

I was explained that it was a squirrel. It was grey with reddish / brown tinges on its back, it had a large bushy tail.

« Pff it ran so fast, what was it looking for ».

My Pa used the back of his hand to wipe away sweat and shrugged and continued his work.

«It was surely looking for nuts, to bring home for its family. »

I knew that Pas had to bring food home for their families, so I could imagine that squirrels did the same for their own families

********The sun was shining, the birds were singing, Pa and I were doing some chores around the ranch.

« Look Pa, look, it's back ! ».  
The squirrel was sitting in the tree right above my head, waiting for just the right time before making its jump. It jumped out of the tree and landed in my hair. I screamed out in surprise at the sudden impact on my head. I jumped and ran around trying to get the squirrel out of my hair. My Pa couldn't help but laugh at my reaction

« Now, that's an unexpected visitor in your hair, son »  
I stumbled and fell into the water, the squirrel having jumped off my head and having landed on the ground before I hit the water. The squirrel sat on the edge of the pond looking at the water where I had fallen in. I had mud in my hair and all over my clothes.

*****************Later at the ranch, I was given a bath, Mrs Random accepted to wash my dirty clothes and we both laughed at what had happened to me during the day.

*********after dinner my Pa and I had fun while playing cards, it was called « Who'll take six » and this game allowed me to show how strategic I could be. Dad had taught me how to play. In this game, he explained, the players wanted to score as few points as possible.

My Pa had laid out four cards face-up to start the four rows, then dealt five cards to me and to himself.

« Your turn, Adam ». I chose the best card from my hand, then added it to the rows, with my card being placed in ascending order.

My Pa had to put down one card.

«You take all the cards, Pa ».

« Yeah, son, you're right. I can't place my card anywhere else. So it's the sixth... Oh boy, that will give me a high score. »

It made me laugh. Because each card had a point value, between one and eight points. Pa had already told me that each time he would teach me a new game, he wouldn't ever cheat in order to let me win. He always said, if I won I would win fair and square. And this is just what happened that evening.I really enjoyed the taste of victory, because I knew /I had deserved it and that I had won honestly.

**********a few minutes later.

My Pa told me/it was bed time : but before putting out the lamp, My Pa, instead of telling me a story, wanted to test my mind

-Well, son : A monkey, a squirrel, and a bird were racing to the top of a coconut tree. Who would get the banana first, the monkey, the squirrel, or the bird ? »

As I had seen the squirrel running so fast, that was my final answer. But Pa insisted on repeating the question, so I would have plenty of time to think about it. Then I got it. None of them would catch the banana, because no animal would get a banana from a coconut tree. My Pa told me, he was proud of me and I was glad, I had been able to escape the verbal trap.

**********a few days later

« No Adam, you stay with me ».

« But Pa, the snake, it will... »

In fact a small drama was taking place just below us. The squirrel, the one which had landed on my head, was fighting a snake. And that was the reason why my Pa had stopped me from going further. He didn't want me to be bitten by the snake. But I really did want to save the squirrel.

« ADAM, STAY HERE », my Pa's firm voice stopped me, but I chose to interrupt him with a great sigh.

"Paaa. . .Why do I have to ?" I added, with a disgusted look on my face. I did notice my Pa's eyebrow raised for effect as he pointed his finger towards me.

"Because I asked you to."

"Oh, yes, sir." I turned my back away from what I was watching with a defeated look. I walked towards my Pa. His tone of voice was not oneto be defied and I knew I would be in big big trouble if I were tempted to disobey. I was now a big five-year old boy and one or two sessions on my Pa's knees had taught me a lot about consequences. As Pa had often told me « The discomfort will pass, but I hope the lesson will remain."

*************at bedtime

"Perhaps you'd like to tell me again why it's so important that you should obey me."

I hung my head. And now, I was about to be lectured. My chin was planted firmly against my chest. I didn't speak.

"I'm waiting, Adam." My Pa hadn't raised his voice but his tone had become even sterner.

I raised my head. I knew the answer to this but I was stubborn and didn't want to follow the rules. But I gave up because I knew/my Pa was more stubborn than I, and that when he was determined to get an answer, he always managed to get one from me.

"I should obey you because sometimes something bad could happen to me if I didn't I could be hurt, or even killed. When you tell me to do something it's for my own good or for my safety. », I recited to show him that I'd learnt my lesson. But I could't stop myself from changing the subject of the conversation :

« Pa, are you really sure /the squirrel is safe ».

As I saw my Pa's exasperated face, I started to regret my question.

« Adam, you've already asked me that question, and I'll answer / you once again : be assured the squirrel's quite safe. »

I couldn't understand how it was possible , I had seen the snake biting the squirrel several times, it should have been dead. But my Pa reassured me, that it was safe.

«Son, I don't know how it's possible, but I'm telling you the truth, nothing did in fact happen to the squirrel. Maybe they have a protein in their blood that allows them to survive the snake venom. Squirrels have been known to be ferocious and to attack and injure snakes. My Pa told me, the squirrel had clearly been the aggressor in this brawl and when the snake had managed to escape into the wild, he had been the one with cuts / from the fight with the squirrel.

*****************There was something I loved, I liked being with my Pa and watching him work. My Pa was chopping wood and I was filling the boxes up, it was my job and it was great to do that together. After that there was something else to be done, my Pa gave me a wooden crate and I had to weed in Mrs Random's garden. Only when the crate was full, was I allowed to stop. At first I didn't particularly like to do that, I'd got splinters on my hands and it was hot. And it made me sweat. Mrs Random told me to wait for the evening to do it, and I accepted that idea. She had shown me which plant was growing where it was not wanted. She told me a weed was defined as any plant that was considered undesirable, unattractive, or troublesome. As I had no Ma, it was pleasant to work with her, she had a different way of acting with me.

*************1845. To truly make story time memorable, my Pa always did his best to really get into the tale. Each time a story was supposed to be scary, those were my favorite, he thought dramatic pauses and sudden "Boos!" were appropriate. My nine-year-old brother Hoss and I/ were very good listeners and would sit on the edge of our seats each time our Pa was telling us a story. Of course, scary stories were only told at night as the campfire was dying down, for maximum impact. The adventurous tales were punctuated with plenty of thrilling phrases and expansive gestures.

********** « If a cowboy rides into town on Friday and three days later leaves on Friday, how does he do it? »

I saw Pa thinking hard and I was scratching my head.

« I give up, son, tell us the answer », Pa concluded his hard thinking.

With triumph in his voice, Hoss announced :  
« The horse's name is Friday! ».

Our Pa burst into laughter and we congratulated Hoss, it was a good one.

*************** It was my turn to tell a story. Pa had already told us some great stories from the time when he was a sailor. I had several stories in my mind, but 90 % of them would put me in big trouble… and I didn't want my mouth to be washed with soap. Well, which story did I have to choose ? Mitch had told me/ that witches were thought to transform into owls and suck the blood of babies. I knew/ I wouldn't share this one. I wanted to keep it in my mind, there I had separate boxes for stories. This one wasn't to be told here tonight.

« Adam, we're waiting… What are you going to tell us ? », Hoss asked, before putting another marshmallow into his mouth.

"You mustn't be so impatient, Hoss… Oh, yeah, I know, and what about this one : An Owl that entered the house must be…. »

I didn't finish my sentence….. as the owl had to be killed , or else/it would fly away and take the luck of the house with it. I didn't want to tell him a morbid story, it would scare him too much and he would finish his night into my bed, and I had no intention of sharing my bed with my brother. I had to find something else.

« Oh, now, I know, I'm gonna tell you the story of a shoe …

Hoss looked at me with a funny expression on his face, and he repeated the word « shoes ». Pa scolded him because he was interrupting me, he had to let me go on….

« So, I'm gonna tell you the story of a shoe, a special shoe. A shoe which can transport people all around the world. But it happens just once , when the night is purple and the stars are blue. »

I knew how to change the expression in my voice. After all, I had heard Dad telling stories, I knew how to catch attention.

« Once you're in that special shoe, you can expect to experience one extraordinary journey. No need to take any luggage with you, only your dream and the power of believing in it… 

****************a few minutes later

« You two get changed and I'll be back in a minute to say goodnight. Okay?". Pa threw some water on the fire to extinguish the falling ashes and the glowing coals.

« Yes sir » , Hoss and I replied and walked towards the stairs, while Pa marched to the settee in which our Baby brother Joe was sleeping. He lifted him up and carried him into his bed.

********« Listening to tales while gathered around a campfire and eating roasted marshmallows is what I prefer », I told Pa before closing my bedroom door.

«Thanks Adam , for the story you told. It was beautiful and you surprised Hoss. » Pa tousled my hair and patted me on the back.

***************1855

I felt a hand on my shoulder and moved away again, struggling to stay on my feet while trying to even out my breathing. I lost my balance and found Pa's hands on me, steadying me as he guided me to sit on the bunk. I didn't want to meet his eyes, I didn't want to give him the explanations he was asking for. Pa unbuttoned my shirt and gently pulled it off. I gave in and cooperated, wondering for the first time just how badly I was hurt. He ran his hands over my ribs, checking for damage. I involuntarily gasped as he found where the damage had been done There was one thing/I couldn't deny, when Hoss handed out a beating, he did a good job. There was one great bruise that was beginning to swell on my hip. For sure the bruises would stay a few days and would go through all the colors of the rainbow. Oh boy, my body was so sore, I had bruises on my right side and on my face, and my back was painful as my brother had thrown me against the door. Hoss had fallen under the spell of a beautiful shady lady from San Francisco and he had asked to her to be his wife, believing his love could change her. But she had tried to seduce me and she had kissed me… Hoss had seen the whole scene and for the first time he had given me a real beating. Pa had stopped him, because at no time had I fought back. Hoss had been so angry with me, he had punched me so hard. I knew/he could have killed me , if Pa and Joe hadn't stopped him.  
It wasn't that I hadn't deserved a beating, in his view of things. I could even agree, up to a point. After all, he must have seen me kissing her. It was the only explanation for that kind of fury. But even then, he should have known I wouldn't seduce his woman. He should have known she was the one to have made the move. True, I should have pushed her away in the first instant. _Why hadn't I ?_ Instead I had let her kiss me, and had even enjoyed the burning feeling for a moment , I had to be honest. Regan was beautiful, and for a little while I had almost believed in her.

**********Later.

There was a terrible storm in my mind...

 _Hoss, I understand why you were angry with me, and I understand why you punched me. I was kissing your Regina, the woman you had decided to marry. I know you were deeply in love with her, and I know how angry you were. I didn't fight back, I told Pa, I didn't punch you. I saw anger in your face, I saw that fire in your eyes. I know/ I've lost your respect since that day, I know/I've lost the admiration you had for me. I was close to Regina, of course, but it wasn't me that tried to kiss her, she was the one who came to me and she gave me that kiss. I know/I should have stopped her. I didn't know/you were there. Your eyes saw only me and that kiss, and now your mind refuses to accept what I'm trying to tell you. Because you can't accept the idea that you're wrong about the woman you love._

That hard thinking while I was in my bed deprived me of my sleep. As I wanted things to be right between him and me, I stood up and / knocked on the door of his bedroom. And we talked and I told him/ how sorry I was. And he told me/ everything was forgotten. And he apologized for the blows.

***************************1865

It was an ordinary evening, I was alone at home, my father had ridden into town. Suddenly I heard a quiet knock on the door. I rushed into the hall, stroking my hair a bit before I opened the door, checking who the knocker was.

"Hello, gentlemen, what brings you here ? ».

Ned Peterson, Clem Foster and Deputy Pete removed their hats as I told them to come in and enjoy a cup of coffee or a brandy.

"Adam we have bad news from the town. Your father and Roy Coffee were attacked while they were talking in our office. They were shot twice, they were transported to the house of Dr Martin. But he was not successful in stopping the bleeding. I'm sorry to have to tell you, but your father and Roy have passed away ," Ned Paterson paused. I saw him shaking his head in disgust. All their years on a big city beat hadn't been enough to prepare them for this violence and cruelty.

"Paul Martin did everything he could, the injuries were too severe. We're so very sorry, it's such a terrible,terrible loss for all of us, for all our community."

My world seemed suddenly to have fallen apart. I felt as if the ground were giving way under my faint,I went to sit down in shock and silence. I swallowed hard and tried to keep control, but my voice was shaking and was breaking as I spoke. "Let me have a moment to saddle my horse, I'm riding back to town with you. » I ran my fingers through my hair, confused, I stood up.

« No, first of all, I have to tell Joe and…. ».

In fact, Joe was the only one I would be able to bring the news to, as Hoss was already waiting for Pa in heaven.

"Of course, we'll wait for you, Adam…. Again, we're so very sorry to have to deliver this incredibly sad news."

"Thank you," I whispered , I was trying to contain the tears that were trying to escape from my eyes. Ned Patterson touched my arm gently and the two other men smiled at me with compassion and opened the door.

***********Joe and I came into the room where our father had been transported. We slowly walked towards him. We looked down at his lifeless body. I could no longer hold back the burning, salty tears and Joe started to cry too as he sat in the chair next to our father's head.

"I can't believe, you're gone, Pa!" Joe whispered as he touched his snow white hair.

**************It seemed like I had been sitting in the chair for an eternity. In reality, it had only been a few hours. Still, I rose from the chair and stiffly walked to the window trying to stretch out the kinks in my neck. My head lowered as the tears became more frequent. There was a terrible,dull, aching pain inside of me; a pain due to loss. That feeling you get when you realise you will never see somebody you love and care about again. I would never be able talk to him again. I wouldn't be able to tell him my troubles, he wouldn't be there to listen to me, when I needed his advice. He was gone. I had had the same feeling when we had burried my brother Hoss. Now, my father was gone too. _Forever._

*********I saw Joe's tears and pulled him into a comforting hug, allowing him to sob into my shoulder

« Oh Adam, it's so hard. Why did he have to be gone? Why did he have to leave us ?

Both of us finally made our way towards the open grave. I knew what I had to do, but having to do it was another thing.

As Clem watched in our direction and shook his head, Joe and I took the rifle we had brought and we each fired a single shot Clem did the same and all the men around the grave. Clem used Roy Coffe's gun, Joe and I had the gun and the rifle which had belonged to our Pa. A gun salute, a symbolic gesture for two great men , who had been gunned down just two days before.

"We come to this place with heavy hearts, and have questions we don't really understand," the preacher said as the ceremony began. "We are gathered together today to share the grief we are all feeling and to ask God to help us find sufficient strength to bear our sorrow and to be able to sow seeds of hope for the future."

********"Roy Coffee and Ben Cartwright had been good guys, men that had made a difference," the Reverend said during the funeral. He said their lives had been taken "senselessly and in an act of cowardice" on the night of August 28th.

"Bye, Pa" I whispered quietly, closing my eyes and taking in a deep breath, before turning my back on my dead father and going out of the graveyard. Dad had said that he would always be there for me , he had promised me that, when I was a tiny baby. During 35 years he had kept that promise.

 ****************** Clem, the deputy still hadn't found the person who had killed them, but whoever it was, if I ever came across them, I would kill them, as slowly and painfully as possible, like they had done to our father and Roy Coffee. Their death was disgustingly terryfying. I made a promise, I would find the man who had killed my father.

**********Clem made us swear our oath ; Joe and I became _deputy sheriffs, it happened a few hours after the day our father had been buried. In his little speech Clem welcomed us and told us/ that we could count on him for any help we might need in tracking down the killer._


End file.
